Sentenced
by admin on Feb.09, 2010, under Thoughts on Then
Trial of love, the court stands
Enters in love chains, guilty damned
Trial of love, the time comes
Lights off now, the evidence abandoned
Innocence like a baby deer on ice
Too young to know two plus two
Tried hard to show affection at any price
Too young to know, to love wrong
Simplicity of punishment, only one
Passion pursed without luck
Simplicity of punishment, forlorn
Isolated alone, stuck
Resentment of order’s yoke
For freedom, lover’s conquering hand
No longer subject, order broke
For freedom, flames melted away law
Reason banished far
Yet the embrace of calm lust
Reason banished far
Fervor now, no more trust
February 9th, 2010 on 3:04 pm
I do understand this one, but it makes you trip up as you read through when you say stuff like
“Resentment of order’s yoke
For freedom, lover’s conquering hand
No longer subject, order broke
For freedom, flames melted away law”
Resentment and law and flames are just kind of abstract concepts floating around. You don’t really know where they came from or who they belong to or what caused them.
I’m really bad at explaining this, but do you get what I mean? It could totally be used stylistically, I was just saying that it makes it harder to understand the first time you read it.
Hooray for constructive critique!
That said, the trial metaphor is really interesting and you do well using it throughout the whole poem. And I noticed your complicated stanza layout again haha. Nicely done.